


Parody Fics

by your_bro_joe



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, Humor, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-03
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2017-12-04 04:11:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/706398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/your_bro_joe/pseuds/your_bro_joe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just screwin' around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> What if Heavy and Medic’s only knowledge of dirty talk in English came from reading cheap romance novels and during sex they said things like “I’m gonna plunder your love hole” in complete seriousness and it really turned them on

Once he came, Medic reached for a washcloth on the nightstand to clean himself up, but Heavy caught his hand.

“Wait,” the giant said huskily, “I want to taste your Bavarian cream.” Medic shivered with delight.

—

“Doctor,” Heavy rasped, running a hand over the smooth curve of Medic’s rear. The German shuddered, waiting for the younger man to say the words he so loved to hear: “prepare your ass-pussy for my Russian sausage of love.”

—

“Ha!” Heavy crowed, looking down at Medic’s bowed back as he came inside him, “now, your ass is grass!” Medic moaned with pleasure.

—

“Oh, mein Heavy,” Medic sighed as he pushed in, “your moist love cave is so tight….”

“Only for you, Doctor,” Heavy moaned back, “and your thick beef jerky.”

—

“I am so enamored with your Hershey highway, Liebe,” Medic sighed, brushing his hand over Heavy’s cheek.

“Doctor says the sweetest things. You may pack my fudge any day,” the Russian replied, kissing him deeply.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went through a few of my regular fics and replaced all references to their penises with awful euphemisms

“Doctor,” Heavy groans eventually, lifting the older man’s face by a fistful of hair, “there is something I want to try.” His smile is lascivious, eyes glinting with a mischievous light.

“Anything, mein Heavy,” Medic replies, voice already thick with lust.

“Turn around,” Heavy commands. Medic raises an eyebrow but does as he is told, sitting on Heavy’s stomach with his back to him. Abruptly, Heavy grabs his hips, pulling them until Medic is sitting above the larger man’s face, hips supported by huge hands. One moves to rub against the bulge beneath his fly.

“Oh,” Medic sighs, half from stimulation and half from realization. He leans forward, brushing his own hand over Heavy’s clothed satan’s shovel.

They tease each other for a few agonizing moments, until Heavy finally undoes the doctor’s fly, freeing his pommel horse from his undershorts. Medic gasps as the air hits him, but recovers quickly, unfastening Heavy’s pants and pulling the other man’s thick city slicker out. Medic’s back arches when warm breath hits the crown of his tangy tart trombone, but he forces himself to focus, to lean down and take Heavy’s Colorado spitting viper into his mouth.

Their paces are slow and evenly matched for the moment. Medic tries his best to lick and suck at the corona, the frenulum, and he arches his back, pressing their stomachs together. Heavy takes Medic deep into his mouth, sliding his tongue around the unmuzzled wagtail hungrily, to the point Medic thinks he might swallow him whole.

The older man’s gag reflex is not as good as his lover’s, so instead he uses his hands to touch whatever he cannot take, stroking the satan scepter and fondling the balls. Heavy groans around him, and Medic has to stop for a second as the vibrations of the larger man’s throat threaten to send him over the edge. When he recovers, he lavishes attention on Heavy with renewed vigor, stroking his thighs, kissing his hips, and diving back in, sucking Heavy off hard and fast.

Heavy picks up his pace as well, his hands supporting Medic’s hips and groping his ass at the same time. He delights in the way the smaller body above him shivers and tenses at his touch, and the way long fingers and a nimble tongue attend to his own desires. Medic is trying very hard not to just fuck his mouth—Heavy can tell from the strained, shallow thrusting of his hips. He can tell Medic is getting close, and Heavy is as well, his stomach muscles contracting, pulling downward and straight into oblivion. He gives Medic everything he’s got.

“Oh, GOTT,” Medic curses in German and English and Russian, still trying desperately to keep his hips under control and his hands and mouth on Heavy’s malt-worm as his orgasm rips through him, curling his toes and setting black fire to the pit of his stomach. Heavy takes his letch water; his swallowing gives Medic continued stimulation as he rides out the peak. As the contractions slow, he resumes his attention on Heavy, until the younger man is grunting and groaning through his own orgasm, duck butter spurting from god’s pinky finger onto Medic’s face and his own thighs. Medic collapses then, stomach against stomach, softening love lures against their cheeks.

They lie like that for a few long moments, catching their breaths and heartbeats. Medic lays a few lazy kisses on Heavy’s hip, and Heavy strokes his lover’s thighs. Eventually, Medic rolls off of the Russian and turns so he can place a proper kiss on swollen lips.


	3. Chapter 3

Heavy wraps one hand around his secret lollipop, coaxing it to full hardness. His rhythm is slow, eliciting small grunts and moans when his fingers ghost over certain areas. He closes his eyes and tilts his head back as he swirls a bead of precum over the head with his thumb.

“What are you thinking of?” Medic asks, aching to touch himself, but he can wait another few moments.

“You, Doctor,” Heavy replies, hand speeding up a little, “you kissing me, touching me, stroking me,” he lets out a long exhale, “getting ready to fuck me.”

“Oh, scheisse,” the Medic moans, and cannot stand it any longer. “Come here. Bitte, put your mouth on mein tickle dangus.”

Heavy stops what he is doing immediately and drops to his knees before the doctor, undoing his pants as quickly as he can. Medic gasps as his longdog is freed, and nearly yelps when the Heavy takes him fully into his mouth. “Fuck, ach Gott,” he moans, one hand braced on the examination table behind him as the other grips the Heavy’s head. It is so good; so hot and wet and he sucks so damn well, lips covering his teeth and forming a perfect seal around his beefy apple-Johnny. The Heavy keeps touching his own meat banana, keeping rhythm with his mouth as his free hand reaches up to fondle the Medic’s fat-kidney beans. “Ja, Gott, Heavy I am going to—”

The Heavy immediately removes his mouth and replaces it with his hand, stroking Medic’s gobble missile to completion. He closes his eyes, moaning as bull gravy spurts onto his face, over his cheeks and into his mouth. In a moment, his own stomach clenches, and he spills over his hand and thigh. Medic watches as he brings that hand to his mouth and licks the cum from it. Heavy’s other hand is still stroking Medic’s Danish dizzy eye slowly.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How some of these euphemisms are even remotely related to sex I have no idea

Medic swirls his tongue over the head of Heavy’s DNA rifle, pulling back and smiling slyly when Heavy’s fingers tighten their grip on his head. The larger man is seated on the bed, back against the wall, and Medic is kneeling on the floor between his knees. Not an ideal position for the doctor’s back, but it is worth it to see the unabashed lust in his lover’s eyes when he looks up at Heavy through his lashes. He chuckles coyly, gathering saliva on his tongue and slathering it over the younger man’s pink tadpole torpedo, then slurping it up noisily.

“Oooh, Doctor,” Heavy moans, and his slow, deep breathing starts to speed up. His hips thrust shallowly as Medic takes more of Heavy’s thick master dangle into his mouth, working the puking flesh weasel and balls with one hand. He goes as deep as he can and gags and Heavy shudders; a full-body tremor that Medic takes as encouragement when Heavy’s hand shakes against the nape of his neck.

Medic sucks him off sloppily, loudly, making little sounds of appreciation at the feel and taste of his lover’s pulsing Mister Thomas. He starts to move faster, taking the other man deeper and deeper into his throat, and Heavy can barely hold on, trying with all his might to keep himself from letting go and just fucking the doctor’s mouth. When his vocalizations become frantic, Medic pulls back and uses his hand to jerk Heavy off quickly, and the giant roars with his orgasm as he spurts cum over Medic’s face and hair and glasses. Medic smiles up at him, resting his cheek on his lover’s bare thigh.

“Do you feel better, Liebe?” he asks, still stroking his magic tobacco pipe slowly, feeling the tiny contractions still working through his muscles.

“Much,” Heavy grins lazily back at him, and drags him up for a loving kiss.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a straight-up parody of bad fics

It was dark in the infirmary, silent but for the occasional beep or hiss of machinery, and the quiet sounds of heavy breathing. Heavy had Medic pressed up against a gurney and was pawing insistently at his coat, having trouble unbuttoning it while preoccupied with kissing the older man’s neck.

Medic obliged him, removing his gloves, then his coat, then his shirt and tie. Tugging at Heavy’s clothing, the larger man managed to pull away long enough to remove his bandolier, vest and T-shirt. Smooth, bare chests rubbed against each other, and Medic moaned wantonly.

“I need you, kuschelbär,” Medic whined, grinding his growing erection against Heavy’s thigh.

“Da, Doktor,” Heavy obediently replied, and all but ripped their pants off.

Completely naked, Heavy bent the similarly nude doctor over the gurney and smacked his bare ass. Medic moaned again, his ass already getting wet for his lover. Heavy smiled down at the dripping brown eye, then stroked his love truncheon a few times to get it fully hard. Once it was, he plunged it deep into Medic’s ass-pussy.

“Oh mein Gott!” Medic cried, reaching back to kiss Heavy’s lips. Heavy kissed him back, tongues intertwining like sentient sea slugs. Heavy’s longdog hit Medic’s prostate over and over, and each time Medic cried out for more, harder, deeper, mein Russian lunchbox of love. Heavy obliged, fucking the shit out of the old German doctor.

Finally, and with multiple swear words in several languages, they came together, spraying cum like a firehouse; Medic’s over the clean white sheets and Heavy’s deep in Medic’s love tunnel. Breathing like they had just run ten marathons, they collapsed together, cradling each other in warm arms. Medic may or may not have been crying a little.

“What is wrong, Doktor?” Heavy asked, noticing his lover’s crystalline tears.

“It is nothing,” Medic insisted, wiping at his eyes, “just that… that was the most beautiful lovemaking I have ever experienced. Truly wunderbar, Liebling.” He smiled weakly, burying his face in Heavy’s broad chest.

“Da, was very beautiful,” agreed Heavy, and he fell asleep halfway through the cuddling.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Parody of hot spring fics

Medic-chan sighed as he slid into the warm, relaxing waters of the hot spring near the base. It had been a long day of running around and healing ungrateful team members, and he was glad to finally have some time to unwind. Because he was yaoi, he had waited until late at night to go to the spring, lest he see a naked teammate and get a little too excited down below. The worst member to see, though, would have to be—

“Good evening, Doktor,” Heavy-san boomed behind him, and Medic-chan nearly jumped out of the water and ran for the hills. Instead, though, he turned slightly to smile at his Russian teammate.

“Konnichiwa, Heavy-sa—” he started, but halfway through his sentence, Heavy-san dropped his towel. Oh, nein nein nein!! Medic-chan thought. I vant to look, but if I look for too long, Heavy-san vill know zhat I am yaoi!

Heavy-san noticed Medic-chan’s inner conflict and grinned. “Doktor is so cute when he blushus,” the Russian smiled, running a finger down Medic-chan’s red cheek. “Doktor can look if he likes.”

“H-Heavy-san…” Medic-chan panted, blushing harder, “are you yaoi too?!”

Heavy-san laughed, pressing his body against Medic-chan’s under the water. “Only for Doktor,” he murmured, and kissed him deeply.

The yaoi they made that night rocked the whole base off its foundations.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Parody of anime school fics

The first day at a new school is always challenging, but Medic is determined to make a good impression on his professors.

The only problem is, the campus is huge and he quickly becomes lost.

Standing in the middle of the quad, he turns his campus map this way and that, trying to discern one red brick building from the next, becoming more and more frustrated by the minute.

“You are lost?”

Medic turns at the deep voice and is ready to bite back with a “no”, but when he sees the person who spoke, the word sticks in his throat.

“You are freshman, yes?” the man smiles. Medic swallows and nods. The man is stunningly gorgeous; thick muscles, a pronounced nose, clear blue eyes, and Medic swears if he had hair it would be blowing in a breeze. Medic is staring, and the man laughs.

“I am Heavy. What is your name?” he asks, holding out a massive hand.

“M… My name is Medic,” the shorter man replies, surprised by the gentleness with which the giant shakes his hand.

“Well, Medic-chan,” Heavy grins, “it looks as though you need tour, da? Come with me.”

“Yes, Heavy-senpai,” Medic replies, trying to fight the blush on his cheeks as he follows the upperclassman.


	8. Chapter 8

“Lie down, baby, we’re gonna make you feel _so good_ ,” Scout croons, pushing Heavy’s chest gently as he stretches out on the bear skin rug (one Heavy had killed and skinned himself, of course) beneath him. Medic is standing to the side, uncorking a bottle of champagne. All three are nude, their members at half-chub, lit in hues of red and gold by the roaring fireplace behind them. With a flourish, Medic pours the champagne into three glasses. One is passed to Scout, and one to Heavy, who sits back up when Medic joins them with his own glass.

“To us,” the doctor toasts, and the three clink glasses, and drink. Scout is the first to get frisky, pouring some of his champagne on Heavy’s chest and then licking it up, nuzzling into his chest hair.

Medic gets impatient, setting his drink down among the candles that surround their little love nest, and straddles one of Heavy’s thighs. His fingers rake through the giant’s moist hair, drawing little swirling patterns through it, and Heavy chuckles.

“Tickles,” he offers, when Medic lifts a brow. Calming himself, Heavy lifts one massive paw to draw the doctor down for a lingering kiss.

At this display, Scout knows he must up the ante. Taking another sip of champagne, he leans down, mouth full, and wraps his lips around Heavy’s 21st digit.

Heavy nearly chokes on Medic’s tongue, startled by Scout’s sudden attention to his little champion. The sensation of the bubbly alcohol is a novel one, and he squirms, pulling away from the kiss so that he can breathe properly. Focusing solely on Scout’s mouth on his rod, he feels himself rise to attention. Before long, he’s gasping and grunting, bucking up into that warm, fizzy mouth.

Medic shoots the youngest lover a side glance, then comes up with his own plan. Pushing Heavy back flat against the rug, he spreads the giant’s legs under Scout’s chin. Heavy moans when Medic plays with his ball bag, rolling it in his hand and squeezing gently. Then, he takes his hand away, and dips two fingers in his champagne flute.

Heavy’s moans of pleasure quickly turn to shouts of discomfort.

“Banana! Banana!” Heavy exclaims, and Scout spurts his drink all over the larger man’s crotch, snorting. He pinches the bridge of his nose in pain when some shoots out of his nostrils, but sits up all the same, laughing his ass off at Heavy’s sudden outburst.

“Was ist los?” Medic asks, pulling his fingers away from Heavy’s rear.

“Do not put champagne in butthole!” Heavy answers (Scout has fallen to his side in his mirth at this point), “It burns!”

“Oh,” Medic says bashfully, “I’m sorry, I did not realize.”

Heavy sighs, sitting up and drawing the doctor into an embrace. “Is alright, Doctor. You did not know.” He holds Medic in a comforting hug for a while, until he breaks it to cuff Scout in the ear.

Well, that had certainly ruined the mood.


End file.
